Okay, I didn't write this. Anonymous did. They thought up a whole list of things that never crossed my mind to be happy about in winter. I had to slap myself on the forehead and say, "Stupid, stupid, stupid," because honestly, how could I have missed those? They are so obvious they almost bit me on the butt.
Anonymous Top Ten WInter Delights
1. Bumper skitchin'.
2. Bangin' deer. (Can I come over?)
3. Freezer full of venison.
4. Ice fishin' when the fish're so hungry they'll get after a rubberband on a safety pin.
5. Peein' Buster's name in the snow.
6. Bangin' bear.
7. Usin' the Johnny-in-the-corner instead of makin' the trek to the outhouse.
8. Rabbit-lined underwear.
9. Gettin' the little turd nextdoor to stick his tongue to the mailbox.
10. Jackoffing - that's a little Jackie D in the mornin' coffee October-March...makes the rest of the day seem much warmer ;).
Because my friends are twisted. I think I should pour myself a glass of boxed wine and toast you! Or perhaps, better yet, do a handstand in your honor. Wink wink.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
16 comments:
Well. All I can say is thank goodness for Anonymous. Now I won't look like some crazy lumberjack when I tell you that I actually love winter. Not that I won't be thrilled to see Spring, but for now: I love the feeling that I can totally flake out and do whatever I want on a snowday, because it's like a get-out-of-jail-free card. I love shoveling snow when all my neighbors are out. One time (at band camp) I had to pick John up at the train in a snow storm and I had some time to kill, so I dug out like half a dozen cars, just for fun. And I love winter cooking - I have a big pot of chicken and dumplings going right now. And I can cook things that go with big, bold zinfandels and just...yum. OK, now here's the part for which you need to keep an open mind: at least a few times a week this winter, we've been building a big campfire in the backyard at sunset and just hanging out watching it get dark and quiet. It's really amazing and peaceful and it has the side benefit of letting the neighbors know just how bat-shit crazy we are in case they were getting any ideas about me watching their little darlings. :)
Wanna join us?
Twist! Yes! Those are the kind of things I was trying to think of, well except I never have to pick up John at the train station, so then I never have to dig out other people's car. Although as part of my karma yoga (one time in yoga school) i did plow people's driveway with out four wheeler. Yes I did. I didn't even expect anyone to give me a bottle of vodka for it, I didn't want to be rude though, so while I drank it, I thought to myself, "Om Om Om Om Namah Namah Namah Namah Shivaya Shivaya Shivaya Shivaya. Now wait, okay yes, the other thing is I don't really know what "winter cooking" is. Perhaps you could send some of that chicken and dumpling over and my family could decide whether they like this or not. I will drink wine with you. And YES! I will be there for the campfire. I will totally close the deal so no pesky neighbor of yours would ever so much as think of asking you to watch their little angels. I'll do that cause you're my friend. And I love you. And you are some crazy lumberjack. Now move away from the GD wall and do a handstand! Now! xoxoxo
Have to confess, these points were convincing. Especially Number 8 - Rabbit lined underwear sounds convincing. (I might go with the "Kinder, Gentler" version: Road-Kill Squirrel Long Johns.)
Kathy, if anyone could whip up some road kill long johns it's you baby! Get the little red wagon out and send the girls to the highway. You've got some sewin' to do!
That was hilarious! Oh my gosh! Anonymous may be my husband! Or my brother in law! Rabbit lined underwear? YEAH BABY! Cruel or not, that sounds like THE JAM!
Who is this Anon? Larry the Cable Guy???
I'll join ya twist...and I'm your neighbor. Sounds like fun. I love chicken and dumplings too! I'll bring the wine. Don't worry, me and my son are goofy too.
OK, so yesterday when I used the term "bat-shit crazy," I actually paused for a moment to consider that this might have been unnecessarily slanderous to bats. So today: Paybacks? Kharma? I just went into the mostly dark, gutted, vacant, apartment attached to our house and what do you think I found - or should I say, what do you think found me? Yes, there is a BAT! Flapping around! And. I. am. here. alone. with. two. small. children. OK, so now would be a good time to show loving compassion for your friend Kirsten - not so very lumberjacky at the moment. Come over. Help me. It'll be a great adventure...Or at least send for the children if I don't post something again soon.
Spooky. I think I left out that the apartment is SPOOKY. Haunted, maybe.
Oh, Heather, you're just a few doors down...
As the Fairy God Mother of no known faith I believe it is my duty to care for the children should a bat emergency arise again. Please send up a smoke signal, leave a note in a bottle that I have to break open somewhere with instructions of the feeding and watering of said youngsters. Just remember, I don't cook "winter dinners," and I love to give Zadie candy. Don't yell at me later.
Are bats bad?
Bats are good, and when tangled in your hair, eliminate the need for other hair accessories. Very "green".
I know everyone's moved on, but I need to publicly apologize to bats everywhere in the same forum where I used derogatory language and perhaps offended them. So bats, bat-types, etc., please forgive me my offense - I meant nothing by it. In fact, I like crazy; I consider it an intriguing attribute (I'm friends with Amy, right?). Please stop coming in my house, and please ask all your friends to stop coming in my house. Thank you.
Your Lordship of Crazy Bat Loving Yoga Freak,
We will stop coming. Try speaking illy of money on said blog and perhaps that will flood your home.
Another Freak
Money? Fuck money. Money is stupid. I hate money. I'm proposing money reform in which we shall remove all the fugly, old presidents who probably smelled terrible and who no doubt had raging syphilis and put on Obama, who probably smells very nice. Even then, it won't be worth a god damn, but at least it'll give me a smile - as bending the world to my will usually does. Yoga freak, OUT.
Word up Twist.
Post a Comment