Thursday, July 23, 2009

Mommy Swap

This is the first week both my kids are home for the summer. And as I write this they are gone again. But we had the week. We played in the quarry and saw Harry Potter and then Chase got sick. Poor baby. Luckily I have medical degree that I found at a garage sale and extra antibiotics so I was able to squash it before it really got going. Yesterday he was so illin' though. I called the professionals and took him in to the 'doctor that talks to much'. We came home with a fresh batch of meds, I dosed him up, put the lime in the coconut, had him drink them both together and he feel asleep.

Meanwhile downstairs Saige was just begging me to help her with a puzzle. "Fine!" I said. So I sat down and started piecing it together.

She was watching 'Wife Swap'. This is the craziest show. They put these polar opposite Mom's in each other's houses and try to live the other's life. Like an Atheist and a Son of a Preacher Man, I mean wife of a Preacher Man or a Pig Farmer and a Belly Dancer. It's whack. Saige just loves it. She said to me, "You know why I love this show Mom, cause they're so different from each other." They sure are.

By this time we were on a second episode, it was a Wife Swap Marathon! Chase had woken up and was watching with us. As I was standing on my head trying to shake out the missing puzzle pieces or earrings or whatever else there was I said to them, "Do you guys think we should do this show?" They both yelled, "No! Never!" I said, "Why? Who do you think you guys would get instead of me?"
"Someone ugly," Chase said.
"That's not nice, really, what would she be like, your new Mommy? My replacement? The ying the my yang."
"The what?" Chase asked.
"Nothing, tell me what she would be like."
"She wouldn't like puzzles!" said smart ass Saige. I only have a slight addiction to my puzzle, I don't think it's anything to make fun of. I don't know where she gets that from.
"She'd have short hair," said Chase who has made it crystal clear to me many times that neither him or I would be cutting our hair in the foreseeable future.
"She'd make us go to church," Chase said. Insert me cringing here. To my credit, we do sing along to Mason Jennings and Jack Johnson sing, "Oh Jesus I love you and Buddha too! That and we cross ourselves when we see dead animals on the road. So we have that going for us.
"She would wear rags," said Saige.
"She would never play with us," Chase chimed in.
"She wouldn't be a show off on the diving board," said Saige. Hey shut up kid, who asked you?
"She would stay in all the time," Chase said, "and she'd be cheap."
"She would never laugh about stupid things," said my little wiseass girl.
"She would live on a farm," Saige added.
"But she would hate dogs!" Chase said.
"I wuv my widdle Micken so much. Don't I Mickerboy?" I baby talked to my furry white creature some call a dog.
"Why do you always use that crazy voice with the dogs?" Chase asked.
"Cause they like it, duh."
"She would be so mean," my angel daughter finally redeemed herself with.

Well that was a fun game. Not. So I'm looking for a mean, short haired dog hater who wears potato sacks and old cleaning rags, who can't do a trick in the pool to save their life and spends a lot of time in Church. I just don't want to stay at their house though, that sounds beat. I don't think I really want to trade at all.


Kathy said...

Awww, this is sweet. Happily, I cannot help you with the swap. (Although I do hate one particular short haired dog, a chihuahua, whom I would love to see doing a trick at the bottom of the pool.....)

Anonymous said...

Wow. So close to being me. Until you said the church thing. You need to take a video of the pool tricks though!!!!

Wow, that was awkward said...

This is awesome. Your kids rock. If I asked my kids this, I'm afraid of what I'd hear. I'll ask and depending on the poatal service, I'll get back to toi by next Friday.

Sneezy said...

How 'bout someone that is kind to dwarfs?

Pete Yorn said...

Someone gentle that doesn't laugh while torturing me?

twist said...

Church!?! I LOVE church! Well not so much anymore, but there was a time... Back in the day, we used to spend the summer with my very Catholic grandmother. Though the rules at home were a little loosey-goosey, one did NOT miss Mass on my grandmother's watch. Which suited me fine. After a long, boyless week at camp, my sister, my friends Gina and Diane, and I would slut up our camp garb to the best of our ability, sneak some makeup, and head to Town. We had to behave during Mass to earn a trip for pizza after. As a devout atheist, clearly I had to amuse my own self...

Our favorite church games:

1. Trading Necco Wafer communion all through mass, complete with a whispered, "in the name of Bugs Bunny, Road Runner, and Casper the Friendly Ghost; commenting on what Christ must have been eating in order for his "body" to taste like the various Necco flavors. Or a related game: making yummy noises following communion.

2. The alms game: receive basket, examine contents, make eye contact, offer look of disgust.

3. The guess which - pedophile or pedophilED? - game. We were pre-scandal, so for us it was Gay or Straight...Sticking To His Vows OR Banging the Bake Sale Ladies...Real Bible in the Nightstand or Clever Hiding Place for a Vibrator.

Ah, yes, good times.

Lora said...

this is a great post, I wish Jake was old enough so I could play this game with him!

Anonymous said...

i think i may be a bit older than twist and not as creative with the church games. but my church games were very very saintly. i rated the people as they walked up to communion. one week i rated shoes, next week hair, next week overall

Amy said...

Oh Ba, You and those church Sundays. I will never forget being so hungover and your Mom waking you up for church. Thank God she didn't make us go on July 5th! I was worried. :)

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