Thursday, December 10, 2009

But Mom, I Love Him

Thank God it's not Saige saying that...yet.

For now it's a friend of mine. A very dear, a very sweet, a very wonderful friend. Her tales of dating though, frankly, just scare me. She actually has a blog where she gives a play by play of the freaks (no offense honey) that she dates. It is astonishing. Number one, she is beautiful, not in a way of, "Oh, my friend is beautiful." She is flat out gorgeous. She's a yoga teacher for Gods sake. That has to count for something. She is young, only thirty. Remember thirty? No? Oh well, who the hell wants to be thirty anyway? Okay, back on track. She is newly divorced and dating for the first time in over ten years.

There are a host of kooky contenders. There is the guy she she had the two most perfect dates in her life with but then just disappeared basically. We refer to him as "Summer Breeze." From then on she no longer would date men with two nipple rings and/or a Vespa. There was the really nice guy that ended up having a secret love child with his nanny. That's fun! Then there was the guy that made awful smells on date one. Oh the list goes on and on.

My all time favorite is the most recent though. When she first met him she was describing him to me. Good looking, check, divorced, check, five kids, ch... "Wait! I'm sorry, did you say five kids?"
"Well, only three of him are biologically his, but he loves the other two like they are," she explained.
"Dump him," I instructed.
"What? I really like him, we have a connection," she said so dreamily it almost broke my heart.
"Yeah, whatever. Dump. His. Ass," I said, this time much more sternly.
"But Amy, I think this could be the one," she pleaded.
"He's got five kids. I don't care how great he is. You need to dump him or buy a mini van for when it's YOUR weekend. I don't see that happening so let's just end this now and get rid of him," I said again, very harshly, but she expects that from me.

Fast forward to now, four weeks later. It's not working out. He has a host of other issues, not even pertaining to his half a soccer team. It has been a bit of a roller coaster but the tell tale sign was when he suddenly listed his Facebook status as "Complicated." That's pretty much the kiss of death. So yesterday she was waiting for him to come over so they could officially break up. I for one, was thrilled. I don't mean to sound like a bitch but five kids is way to many to take on. It's seems stupid, unless you have five of your own, a dog named Tiger and a slave named Alice.
I was kind (just so you know Billy!) and I said, "It's okay Honey, you'll meet someone else." And that's when those words came. The words that I am so dreading to hear from my very own twelve year old daughter in a few years, although I know inevitable when she is talking about some guy who is just soooo wrong. "But Mommmmmm, I really LOVE him..."
Uh, yeah.


Anonymous said...

Oh Amy... i love you.

Billy said...

I sure hope you were nice Amy. You have evil tendencies that are disarming. Like when trying to disarm alarms. Just like that. What does Sam the Butcher think of all this?

I was kidding about that evil comment. Have you ever been mean to anyone? Besides me and Petey?

Billy said...

Tell her to only date guys with three nipples. Then if things ever get boring, they can look at the extra and show other people. That never gets old.

Anonymous said...


Sue said...

Great advice. You know, when I was a single mother dating, I wouldn't date men with kids. Is that weird?