Moose, Making Out and My Moon Children

Eleven hours that turns into twelve is a long time in the car. It is 202 songs on the shuffle when you count the ones I skipped cause I didn't feel like listening to. I was like the music nazi in the car. I have a lot of remixes on my IPod. I love them. Every once in a while one would come on and Chase would say, "I don't like that version, can we listen to the original?" A nice mother would say, "Of course Sweetie." Not me. I said, "If you want to go ahead on your IPod, this is my music." As an after thought I did say in a kinder voice, "Maybe it will come on the shuffle if you're patient." I was adamant about leaving it on the shuffle the entire time. I am really annoying too because I know every lyric to every song on my IPod and I sing the entire time. Non stop. Like that psycho chick in the movie with Ben Stiller. Just like that.

Driving from Pennsylvania to the top of Maine is somewhat similar to driving to South Florida. You pass through a lot of states rather quickly. Although there is no South of the Border up in the North East, if you can believe that, which is a bummer cause I LOVE South of the Border. The thing is when you get to the bottom of Maine, similar to when you get to the top of Florida, you have a long way to go. I looked at my Nav as I was telling my friend we just passed the Maine border and realized we still had about 5 hours to go. I don't understand that. Maine is like 3/4 inch big on the map. Let's face it, it's no Wyoming.

That being said, at some point my kids want me to shut up the singing. We play the all the car games, or at least that one that you go through the alphabet and say a name and a husbands name and where you live and what you sell. It's amazing how juvenile one can become nine hours into a road trip. Even if you're forty. Age doesn't count when you are cracking yourself up. Right?
"E my name is Eeyore. My husbands name is Egbert," I start with.
"Mom! Eeyore is a boy!"
""This is a gay couple. Now stop speaking out of turn," I say.
"We sell elegant edible undergarments for the elderly and we live East of the Elephants elbow in Egypt," I say proudly.
"Mom, this isn't Scattergories, you don't get more points for more E's."
" Oh yes I do, I think I just won the game with that and we're not even halfway through the alphabet."

At one point Saige said, "Chase is making out with his bear! He is so disgusting." I attempted to ignore the whole thing. Then she said, "Did you tell Mom about camp?" For this the music gets lowered a decibel. "What, did you make out at camp?" I ask, I haven't heard of this before. "Who did he make out with?" I ask Saige. "He won't tell me. I don't have a name," she said. "Did you make out or kiss?" I ask. "Just kissed, " he said. "What's the difference?" asked Saige. (I was curious too.) "When you make out, you mix tongues and exchange gum," Chase informed us. Very Good. Nuff said.

Sign- MOOSE- Next 10 Miles.
"Do you think we'll see one Mom?" Chase asked me.
"YES!"
"Good thinking positive Mom," he returned with.
"Good looking out Brother."
"Man, there are a lot of really cute dead animals on the side of the road," he said, somewhat dismayed.
"Well, you know what to do," I reminded him.
Insert our fake cross sign here.

"That is the most beautiful Moon I've seen!" Saige declared.
She was right.
It was huge and yellow. It looked like we were about to drive into it.
"Let's take a picture of it."
"Maine has the best moon ever." Saige said.
"Except that one in California," my little one upper chimed in.
Whatever, we are Moon people.

Family Car Rides Are Fun!

Saige and Chase and I are taking a little road trip today to see my lovely fairy godchildren and their slightly Twisted Mother way up in Maine. This road trip will take approximately 11 hours. Huh. I didn't give that much thought until this morning. Luckily Saige and Chase are very resourceful children and gathered all they will need to keep them occupied for an eleven hour trip. Saige was so pleased with herself for not even glancing in the Teen Vogue that had come in the mail so she would have it to enjoy in the car, they've got magazines and movies out the wahzoo. They've actually got more than enough movies to make it across the country and back. Books, ITouchs, IPods, laptops, it's unbelievable.

I remember when I was a kid we would take a different eleven hour drive to Hilton Head, my parents, my three brothers, myself all in a station wagon and the only thing we would have to play with was the fast food Styrofoam trash. I can't even imagine what it would have been like to have all the gadgetry and paraphernalia of todays day and age. I am thankful though for the toys now, those long trips to South Carolina would make two of my brothers on the verge of stir crazy. There is only so long you can play the license plate game while someone else is poking you in the eye.

Of course my brother Mark and I would be angels lying in the "way back." It was all about safety those days! I don't even remember if that car had seat belts. I know it had a lighter in the back seat cause my brother Chris would threaten to burn me with it.

Anyway, long car rides caused Scott and Chris to misbehave which drove my father crazy which made it slightly uncomfortable at times. There was nothing worse than hearing, "I'm gonna have to pull this car over." I remember it vividly after one time he found out that Chris had a knife back there. We would hear that threat come from way up yonder, Mark and I would roll our eyes and wait it out. I guess I'm thankful my own children have so much to keep them busy while I chain smoke and guzzle whiskey from the bottle to keep myself entertained. I just sure hope neither of 'em is carrying a knife.

The main problem is that I'm not sure what one does as the parent were you to pull the car over cause of fighting. Wouldn't that just leave you more time with the fighters? I guess I could just walk away but where would I go? It's a conundrum. So I'm just going to do what I always do, barely look at the road and txt my friends. No! I'm going to think positive and just hope we don't end up in North Dakota.

Tie Dying the Dog's Tail

Summer is different these days than when I was a kid. So far this summer my daughter has been to overnight camp for two weeks, the shore for a week, New York to see a Broadway show, to some birthday parties, countless shopping trips, every movie there is to see and had a constant sleep over friend. I'm sure it's my fault. I'm the mother. Someday a shrink will make a lot of money off my mistakes.

So yesterday in the car when Saige said, "Can we go to 'Build A Bear' today?" It took every bit of restraint I have to say, "No fucking way." I didn't of course but I did say, "Seriously, are you kidding me? Build a bear? Uh... let me think. NO!"
"Why not? I want to make one for Mariah," Saige said.
"Mariah is 12. She doesn't need a build a bear. Hey, I've got a good idea, why don't you go home and rip up some of your old stuffed animals and make your own Build A Bear out of the parts?"
She looked at me like I was a nutcase.
"Well, what are we going to do today?" She really asked me that.
"Um, I don't know. Why don't we clean out the gutters. Or get those toilets so sparkly we could eat off them. Perhaps we should spend the day picking up the back yard from the dogs."
"Mom! Stop it!"

Okay, we have a pool. You have a friend over. Why don't you show me how smart you are.

So we get home and she and Mariah are left to their own devices while I drive Chase to a friends house. When I get back they want to tie dye. This will require me going to the store, buying the supplies and cleaning up after them. Once again, big fat no.
A little later I go to pick up Chase and his friend so they can come swim. By this point my friend Ashley is here. The girls have complained to her they have nothing to do. She tells them to ask me if they can tie dye if they don't involve us. This requires them to walk to the store, buy the dye and do all the clean up. They ask, I agree (knowing that's not how it's going to play out but it will get rid of them for a good half an hour) and off they go.

Fast forward to tie dying time.


They tie dye shirts and socks and even a couple pairs of underwear and some feet. Then Saige says, "Mom can we dye Mickey pink?"
"Although I would like that, it's going to make a huge mess so no." I say.
Saige isn't big on the word no. She will access every situation and find a solution so it still goes her way.
"What about his paws. That would be cute."
"No. I'll have pink paw prints everywhere." I say.
"Well, how bout just his tail then?"
"No." I say, "He sleeps in my bed. He's going to mess up my clean sheets."
"It dries!"
"No."
"Please.
"Okay, fine," I'm a tough nut.
I'm in the kitchen making their dinner and I hear Saige say, "Come here Mickey. Don't be scared." That sends me into convulsive laughter. Poor Mickey. But what are dogs for if not tie dying them pink? Earn your keep dog!

Thank God they had already burned through most of the dye. Thank God they were using squirt bottles instead of a bucket.

It's raining today. I'm really to seeing what they hatch up for today's activities.

Not.