Tuesday, February 3, 2009

A Fairytale or A Fable?

Once upon a time in a land called the '70's there lived a little girl. She lived in a pretty house with a stone front and a sun porch. In the house lived her Mother, her Father, her beautiful older sister and her aloof older brother. The little girl only wanted one thing. She wanted her very own fish.
She asked her Mother, "No!" her Mother said.
She asked her Father, "Ask your Mother," he said absently.
Her sister just ignored her. Her brother told her to just go get them.
The little girl had a friend down the way who had all sorts of great animals. The regular ones like cats and dogs, but she also had some more interesting creatures, like snakes, guinea pigs, and a skunk.
The little girl wanted fish in the worst way. She pleaded with her Mother.
Finally her Mother consented with the lovely sentiment of, "YOU'RE DOING EVERYTHING FOR THOSE FISH. YOU'RE CLEANING THE TANK. FEEDING THEM. I NEVER WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THEM AT ALL!"
"Fine," thought the little girl. "I will."

So she and her friend with many animals went to the pet store and picked out some aquatic beauties. The little girl got glorious rainbow fish and a translucent angel fish.
Her friend chose eels.

The little girl took care of her fish and fed them and cared for them and cleaned their tank. She never had to ask her Mother for any help whatsoever.

Then one day the little girl's friend was going on holiday. She asked the little girl to care for her eels. "O.k." she said, somewhat terrified. But she was a good friend. She took the eels into her home like they were her own. She put them in the tank with her fish.

The first day her visitors arrived she carefully put some fish food in the tank and trotted off to school. After school she ran up the stairs to check on her fish and the eel and her beautiful angel fish was missing. The eel looked smug.
The second day she left for school with a slight bit of trepidation, but having no other recourse, she went on her way. At 3.30 she came home to find one of her rainbow fish was gone too. Now the eel just looked fat.

The little girl did not know what to do. She couldn't ask her Mother, that was forbidden. She went downstairs and found her Father in the den watching Planet of the Apes, smoking a cigarette and drinking some Genesse Cream Ale.
"Dad?" she said.
Her father glanced up at her questioningly.
"Yes, it's just..." her litttle voice trailed off. "Well, I put my friends eels in the tank and now some of my fish are missing."

With that her Father stood up out of his wing chair. He didn't say a word to her. He just started walking. She followed him down the hall and up the stairs and into her room. He picked up her fish net, scooped up the eels, walked in the hall bath and flushed them down the toilet. Then he handed her the net and went back to his beer and his apes.

Shortly thereafter the little girl's friend came home from vacation. She ran over to her house to get her precious eels. The little girl had to explain what happened. She told the truth. The little girl's friend was very angry.
She exclaimed, "You better watch out! One days those eels are going to come up from your pipe's and bite you on the ass." then she turned on her heel and marched home. The little girl just stared down at the toilet in fear.

And the little girl has had Irritable bowel Syndrome since that day.

The End

12 comments:

Simple Answer said...

What a hoot! Thanx for the early am giggles!

Lula! said...

Favorite post from you, hands down. Bless your heart.

For what it's worth, I have IBS, too. Let's drink more wine, shall we?

Anonymous said...

it is a true story! i am the little girl. lula did you have eels in your toilet too?

Anonymous said...

I am confused. Which is a pretty easy feat. Who is this about? Have you been chugging box wine agin in the am???
Jen

Kathy S. said...

Sorry....this one just made me sad. :(

Amy said...

What is all the confusion about? It is a true story about a very dear friend of mine. Saige could listen to it over and over again. Smile. It's funny. :)

Christy said...

OMG--you are so freakin funny! Great story...but probably not so much for your friend! Yikes!

Meredith said...

You obviously had a childhood about which I knew nothing. Very disturbing.

Heather said...

I laughed reading it again today! Too funny! Eels suck. You're poor friend. She was obviously scarred for life, and we're laughing at her expense...but it is a funny story none-the-less. (Sorry friend)

Anonymous said...

i guess it lost some of its humour in the writing of it..or you need to know gene to get it? this is ba and i am the little girl and it is one of my signature stories and it is funny not sad!

Lora said...

Well, I'm sad but I'm laughing.

And since I'm TOTALLY effing up my son's chance at ever having normal bowels by my exasperation of potty training I'm thinking that there is nothing I could do or not do to prevent him from having issues of his own.

So, um, thanks.

And hell. He'll be fine. Boys are always fine on the pooping front, right?

Sue Jacquette said...

Well, I think it's hysterical. Really.