Monday, October 27, 2008

The Lion, The Cableguy and The Speakeasy

This is a true story. It's somewhat embarrassing because it shows that sometimes my judgement is not spot on. Sometimes one thing just leads into another. I tend to trust people. I never look for the bad. I know so many people that do. As soon as they meet someone they can pick them apart ten ways 'til Tuesday. Not me. I just assume everyone has good intentions. I worry about hurting people's feelings all the time. When I think or know that I have hurt someone it destroys me. So to avoid that I just try to be nice to everyone. Sometimes a good thing, sometimes.........not so much.
So many years ago Marc and I lived in a fun little house near here. We had lots of parties and lots of friends. There was usually some person or another living with us, depending on their situation. It never seemed odd to us, we were all about the more the merrier. At this time I used to make these big stuffed animals and sell them to people and to stores. There was a big red fox that my brother Chris named R.F. Chickenchaser. And there was a giraffe and an elephant and some others and a brand new one, a lion. No one had seen the lion yet. I had just finished designing the first one and had made him and he was sitting in my living room one day.
So I am at home waiting for the The Cable Guy to get there. I think he was hooking up cable in additional rooms, I can't really remember. So he comes to the door and comes in and we start chatting. He notices the lion and immediately starts asking me all sorts of questions about it. It was a long conversation. I felt obligated to ask him if he wanted a drink. That's what you do when someone comes visiting right? He says, "Sure, I'll take a vodka tonic." Hmmm.. I really had been thinking more along the lines of water or a soda, but if that's what he wants, okay. So yes, I mix him up a vodka tonic. Which he tosses back so fast and asks me for another. It seemed odd, but like I said, Marc and I were used to colorful people. As a side note, I feel the need to add in that I had two huge german shepherds. If anyone ever even looked at me cross eyed my male dog Buddy would have ripped them apart, so I never felt in any danger at all. Just thought that needed to be said. So I gave him another drink. He sipped this one slightly more slowly as he started telling me about his weekend. At this point for some reason we had walked outside, I don't know why, but he noticed we had a hot tub. He starts telling me about his weekend. He was like, "Man, you've got a hot tub? I'm going to be in a hot tub tonight. You know, eating shrimp, doing coke." Wait, did the cable guy just tell me he was doing coke tonight? While he is in my backyard drinking his third vodka tonic? It finally clicks in to me that this is slightly abnormal. It's not really how the whole cable guy visit should be going. I want him to leave now. I don't want to be rude though. So somehow I get us back inside. He's finishing up whatever the hell he was doing. Then he says, "Listen, my kid (you have a kid???) would really like that lion." Um hm... "Can I buy it off you?" As politely as I can I tell him no. It's the first one. I need to take it to my stores. He can't have it. "I don't care how much it costs he says, name it." "No. It's really not for sale." I just want him to leave now. "How about free Showtime for life?" Huh, interesting. Free Showtime. How does that even work? What if we move? Will Showtime be everywhere or just the living room? That was what was actually going through my head but I shook my head no. "I don't want to get in trouble." I said. "No trouble, I do it all the time" he said. Enough already. Get out. So he didn't get the lion. I didn't get free Showtime, but I'm pretty sure that night he ate some shrimp and did some coke had a good buzz going into it. There you have it Jen. I'm an idiot. Check.

10 comments:

Kathy S. said...

Jim Carey was at your house?

Anonymous said...

OMG, your attention to detail amazes me. Now I remember what role the lion played!I so remember those kitchy little creatures! I certainly did appreciate the phone call after the cable guy left, when you were all, " Um, I think I might have gotten myself into something here...." You have SUCH a knack for getting yourself into these situations. It is partly your trusting nature, and partly just wanting to rolls the dice and takes yer chances...and if anything, the result will amount to a KICK ASS story you can drag out for grins and giggles when we're ambling down memory lane, or a new one tell all your friends.
Love,
Ciggy S.

Simple Answer said...

I, also, always feel like I have to try to be polite. Except when I'm with the girls. I'm trying to raise them to be a complete b**** whenever they don't like the way something is goin. I think I've just taught them to be embarrassed.

We need pictures. Pictures of the lion, not the cable guy.

Meredith said...

That would soooooo happen to me. Except I would have given him the lion. Because I can't say no. ARGH!

Frigging hilarious story I really was laughing out loud. And, in case ya can't tell from MY blog...I really needed a good laugh!

x said...

I never worry about being polite. I'm not a bitch unless you give me reason, but if you come at me with something completely impolite I will put your impoliteness to shame.
I'm not saying you should adopt that attitude because it makes certain relationships pretty tough. I wonder if this changes when you give birth and maybe that's why I'm like that?

Sue Jacquette said...

Ripe material for your screenplay. I keep sleeping with this guy. Do you want me to use him or what?

Tiffany said...

What a freakin' weirdo...I too expect the best in people, although I think the request for a vodka tonic would have been a huge red flag for me....

Lula! said...

I mean, who comes right out and says, "Yeah, I'll be doing coke in the hot tub tonight?" FOR REAL? I would've been scared to death...or my inner redneck would've immediately surfaced and I'd have said, "Have you seen my new rifle?"

Oh my head, Amy...I just reread the title of this post..."...The Speakeasy."

You slay me. Freakin' brilliant...that's you. Hilarious. But scary, too.

Christy said...

Well, that was...ODD! Huh. I can't believe you weren't nervous--I think I'd have freaked the eff out. Maybe that's because I don't have any dogs to protect me (unless you consider licking someone to death protection.)

long lost amy said...

my kids are still sleeping so i'm trying to catch up on the 23 posts I have missed from you. yeah, 23. wish me luck. i LOVED this story. it made me laugh at how nuts it was. i'm still moving slowly towards facebook. i'll hit you up when i get there. xoxox