Friday, November 21, 2008

Self Inflicted Pain

Thy name is Twilight.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry if you enjoyed this movie but to me it was a punch to the gut. It actually hurt me.

Okay, this is how it went down. It was a major snow morning here in PA. Now I don't know if the news people said this was going to happen. I am never up late enough for the news. I do know that when I woke up this morning the world out my window was covered in school. The trees, the road, the lawn and there were big huge flakes dropping down. However there was no sign of canceled school. So we went to the bus stop. It never came. The roads looked bad. Saige wanted to go to school. I drove them. It was bad. A man had to help me down the hill. In my car. I was to afraid to take my foot off the break. I think he tried to sell me tires. He kept calling me miss. It was odd. So after a ton of slides and going around cars pulled on the side of the road that couldn't move I got the kids to school. My friend Lisa lives about one minute from there. I went there, home was to far. At this time we decided to go see Twilight that morning.

So we go. Lisa bought my ticket. So really, she was the big loser, twenty bucks and two hours of her life, right out the window. Buh Bye.

I won't go on and on about how awful it was, I will try to make it concise. It was like a bad after school special. It should have never hit the big screen. Most of the movie consisted of Bella making really wide eyes and shaking her head. Every time one of the vampires (except Alice, she was cute as a button) came on we actually would break out in laughter. It looked like they had been powdered and red lipsticked and shoved onto set. I wanted to leave. Lisa wouldn't let us. So during the film (if you could call it that) we cooked the idea to make the kids (ours) make a spoof of it on Monday when they have a half day. We spent the second half of the movie casting it. We are going to get one of those fog horn things (or whatever they're called), we are going to wear hats, we are going to get directors chairs. I'm thinking Lisa might put out a spread as the "Kraft table." I need to mention that. We need to get the lists from Saige and Adam who will be playing Bella and Edward respectively of what they NEED to have in their trailers. Adam will probably be good with some sushi. I know Saige is going to be a diva. She's going to want flavored water and I don't know, maybe some hard to find licorice or something. It's going to be so much fun.

When we walked out of the movie Lisa looked at me and said, "Seriously, my intelligence is insulted." All I could do was laugh. I have to say, I haven't laughed like I did during that movie in a long time. I laughed til I had to shush myself. I'm going to tell you when the dad, "Carlise," first came on screen I think my body actually shook and I had tears running down my face.

These are a few questions I have for the movie makers so Lisa and I can do a good job.
1. What was with Edwards B52 like hairstyle? What product are you using?
2. Although Edward "flew" up the hill with Bella on his back do you think Adam pulling Saige in a wagon would have the same effect?
3. What kind of shotgun was Bella's dad cleaning? (BTW- that was my hands down favorite scence, when Chief Swan was cleaning his shotgun and drinking beer. We can't wait for Jack to act that out. We're giving him real beer too!)
4. What on earth did you put on Edward's skin in the sunlight? Does Michaels Arts and Crafts store carry that?
5. The powder used to make the vampires faces white, just J&J right?
6. And the lipstick, oh that red lipstick, what brand? My friend Lula wants some for everyday use.
7. Was Carlise supposed to be funny?
8. Was Esme that girl from Grey's Anatomy who had to have facial reconstruction and then by accident faked a pregnancy cause she was crazy?
9. Who did Alice's hair? That was cute.
10. You're not making a second one, are you???

I still love Edward and Bella. I just have to go back to them in my head. That's going to be tough....


Lula! said...


Seriously. I agree.

I liked it. I didn't love it. And I was SO DISAPPOINTED in so many aspects of it. I seriously had to talk Tiffany down from the ledge--she was thisclose to walking out of the theater during the first 30 minutes.

We'll discuss later. It was a letdown...I wanted to love it, but I didn't. But regardless, Rob was good. The scene were he sucked the venom--that was some good acting. Good. Acting. Indeed. And hello--his lipstick was fabulous. I must know the shade.

Yeah. I said that.

Kathy S. said...

Okay.....So maybe that Rolling Stone review I sent to you via e-mail was more accurate than I thought. So sorry to hear that. But since you have already experienced the pain, would you mind taking my oldest? She is "dying" to go.

It was a beautiful cay yesterday with the snow though....

Lisa Samuel said...

I think the movie was sent to us so that we can do the fun spoof with the kids and occupy them with something other than video games! Stay tuned everyone for a fun post! We need extras on the set if anyone wants to join us in West Chester after school on Monday and Tuesday (I think it's gonna take two days!)

Amy said...

Lula- Bummer, right? Oh well. I'm working on that lipstick for you.

Kathy- We need you to come help us with the movie, are you in?

Lisa-What can I say? Let's take these lemons and make lemonade. And hey, thanks for bring hummus to the theater. You are a super date!

Simple Answer said...

Snow? It's like you're bragging! Minus the whole driving thing, of course.

So bummed to hear about the movie! I didn't look at your list cuz I know my P will want to see it. It can't be as bad as Open Season 2! Talk about dumb!!!!! At least I didn't have to sit next to the little boy who smelled like pee.

Anonymous said...

Okay, I lovelovelove your idea. You know we are always up for spoofing the "industry". Love the Kraft table. What are we talking here, Mac and cheese, imitation cheese slices? Pasteurized processed cheese food? Whateves. Love the questions for the producers. Although I a not a fan of the series, I see that people have literally gone bonkers. Love how you have gone out on a limb and challenged the hype. Love it all...Can't wait to see you over T-giving. Maybe I'll bring the girls up. Nice work, little one...:)

Andy said...

Okay, I just started the 3rd book, and while very sappy, it's not a terrible read and it's kind of "reading candy", like comic books, but with better character development.

The movie, in a nutshell, sucked. I just couldn't buy the crappy effects and I have a deep-seeded aversion to this bizarre idea that the vampires "sparkle" in the sun. What a lame-ass concept! I cut my canines on Ann Rice's Interview with a Vampire, and it will always be the yardstick for me.