Monday, January 12, 2009

"I'm Sure it's Twins"

Here we go again.
Pregnant friend and her stream of consciousness. It just delights me.

"Why do you think it's twins?" I ask.
"The pendulum said so." she answered.
Ah of course, if the pendulum said so... it's true.

And here it goes, remember, read quickly, no breaths. This is how it went down. I actually took notes, just so I could share it with you guys. Don't say I never did anything for you.

"So I went over to Courtney's house cause she called me and told me her pendulum had been acting crazy. At first it said only one and was hanging straight down. And then it starting moving. So I asked it questions, are you a girl? Yes it said. But it sounded like more than one so I asked it, are you two girls? Yes. It answered. Then the pendulum started swinging all over the place and Sherri's did too. So my Mom said, go on the internet and research the statistics. I did. And you know my dad was a twin and I'm older. And they talk to me. The twins. They are so funny. I ask them what they like. They are sick of oatmeal cause I ate it three days in a row. They're funny. I asked what they want their names to be. One said, Lola. I said, are you Lola. She said yes. I was like who the hell is Lola? I'm not allowed to name her that though because Suzy and my Mom think it's a strippers name. Damn! the pool is closed until further notice. I really wanted to swim in that bacteria ridden pool. I'm going to have a meltdown."

"No, no meltdown," I say calmly, "tell me about the twenty year old boyfriend."

"Oh Nick? He's fine I guess. I really don't care. I mean I know he's the father of my children but men have served their purpose for me. I feel like I could run out in the wilderness or a cave and live with women. Not that I'm a lesbian or anything. I don't think I am at least, it's just I don't really need men anymore. And now they're coming out of the woodwork. My Hispanic mechanic wants to marry me and be the father of my baby. And the African American guy who works at the club, he wants to marry me too. All the ethnic ones are all over me. And the non ethnic ones. Old boyfriends, friends, Brian, Devin, Jared, there's a whole species out there that wants a pregnant woman." Insert me starting to laugh here. To bad all those single Mom's with deadbeat dads didn't find one of her ethnic/non ethnic father bears. I love her. I'm allowed to write this. I was given permission. "I just don't want any men in my life at all. It's just going to be me and my girls. My Mom always said, I hope you have twin girls, as payback for what a pain in the ass you were."

Well, I guess only time will tell... she's just six weeks now.


christina said...

well i could lend out my mom if she truly wants to know twins or single baby. we laugh that she is an italian witch, but we think it is true. she has been right 26 times out of 26. she can predict the sex of the baby and also predicted 2 sets of twins correct! she cannot get a vibe on her own children her only fault. it's the needle test over the wrist truly 26 for 26.

Amy said...

Well hot damn, if she ever comes up here (she's in South Carolina) I'm bringing her over. Seriously, she has been saying this since she was barely pregnant. If she has twin girls I will die. Well, not die, but the universe will have shifted somehow... It just might make it all make sense. :)

Kathy S. said...

I want to be there to watch Christina's Mom work her magic. Amy, I,m thinking that you should go to NC and pick up your friend for a long weekend. Think of the road trip - enough foder for your blog for years.... And maybe she could join in on Adam's party.

Simple Answer said...

"men have served their purpose for me." If ever there was a statement....

I think if it's twin girls we should all pledge to do something. Not jump out of a plane. But something.

I've got Itunes working now - so I'll take any and all playlists!

Meredith said...

I think Lola is a darling name.
Love, Mom

Christy said...

I can't even tell you how this post made my funny! I'll die if she has twins too (well, you know what I mean.)

Lula! said...

"My Hispanic mechanic..."

Oh my stars, girl...that's just GOLD. Pure gold, I tell you.

Kathy S. said...

Must be a sign:

Just heard "Lola" by the Kinks on the car radio.

"Girls will be boys and
Boys will be girls."
(proof of twins)

"It's a mixed up, crazy pendulum world,
except for Lola"
('nuff said)

Heather said...

Do you even have a pic of this said "friend"? I so have to put a face with the crazy stories now. Post, please.

Suzy said...

As crazy as it sounds this girl, one of my best girl friends in the world has an intuition that is unreal! We can chuckle about the the pendulum story but at the same time you have to admire the faith and pureness of believing you are a conduit for the universe speaking to you! If she does not have twins I would not be surprised if 12 years from now her daughter goes to have a standard mole removed from her arm only to be informed by the dermatologist that it was the reminents of her undeveloped twin like in my "Big Fat Greek Wedding". HA! I am lucky to have a free spiritual and psychic advisor who happens to also be one of the best and most unique friends a girl could have. Love you- keep swinging!