Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Ashie Ashie Ashie

Oh dear, Smash is home. Home taking care of Gramma. Straight out of Throw Momma from the Train. Today there was a wildly entertaining voicemail to dear Ashley. She was just minding her own business, talking, like she does. Phone rings. She doesn't usually answer the phone, unless it's me. Right? Thank God she didn't. I'm gonna tell you what, I love Gramma Vicki, she's a peach. A little spit fire. Full of piss and vinegar. She gave Chase a brass bull. I said, bull. For real. It was really cute. We were a-visitin' and she just gave him a little present. Anyway, back to the voicemail. It went a little something like this, you have to imagine a very gruff, long time with the cigs, 95 year old female yellin' atcha, "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? WHERE ARE MY CIGARETTES? NOBODY IS GOING TO TAKE ME CIGARETTES AWAY! NOT EVEN YOUR MOTHER! NO ONE IS GOING TO TELL ME HOW TO LIVE IN MY HOUSE."

Let me tell you, I agree with Vicki, I mean, she's 95, she wants her cigs. Give her her cigs. The only problem is she had a heart attack last week. Now, I'm no doctor, but I'm thinkin' cigarettes might not be the best idea? The thing is, if she really wants them, what are you gonna do? Buy her the cigarettes Ashley. Toss them through the dog door and then run like the dickens. Or perhaps just plummet yourself right off Gramma's roof before she burns the whole damn place down.

Ashley gave her the cigs. Took her hits from her, packed up her beer and stole the only lighter in the house and hightailed it out of there. And then she turned her phone off.

9 comments:

Kathy S. said...

I'm guessing Gramma's not on oxygen...

twist said...

To hell with cigarettes, somebody needs to slip Gramma a doob. Make life easier on everyone. Seriously.

Sue Jacquette said...

I love Ashley. I really, really do.

Brother Chris said...

Grammy sounds like a pistol. Hope I'm still crackin' skulls when I'm 95, but what a dirty trick to take the only lighter. Perhaps Gramma Cookie needs to give her darling granddaughter a swift one up the old "how do you do".

Funny too that a woman with such a fondness for cigarettes has a granddaughter named ASHley. Does she have a brother named Philter?

twist said...

When are you hosting a little "whine" and cheese (I'll be cheese bitch)? Ashley and I need to get together and amuse you with war stories. You know, I'm the go-to for my 93 yr. old mommom - who we lovingly call "Grandma Almaden". Ah, yes, good times. Fo' shizzle. I asked her to come stay with us during the snow storm, but she can't hear shit because her little dog keeps eating her hearing aides, so she's all, "ha, ha, ha, honey," and she never actually answers my question. So the next day I get in from sledding to a message that says, "honey, don't worry about me. I have some food left - peanut butter and some old crackers. And if worse comes to worst, I can crawl out the window." Mm hmm. Where does she think we live? She's only gonna be shut in until every last bit of this snow melts ;).

twist said...

Like that?

The Family Julz said...

agreeing with twist's first comment and slyly slipping under the radar.

Amy said...

Gramma's not on oxygen. Thank God or Ash would be hauling that baby all over the place.

Twist- Right? Splendid idea. All that being upside down has made you down right brilliant.

Asude- I know, me too. She's easy to love.

Chris- I was wondering if anyone was going to say anything about the Ash- leave it to you. And don't worry Ashie got the verbal equivalent of a swift one up the how do you do.

Twist- You will always be my cheese bitch. And I yours. And yes, you and she could trade some stories baby.

Twist- Just like that.

Julz- Uh huh. Totally.

Brother Chris said...

I located 2 more of ASHley's cousins: NICk and TARa. :)