Monday, March 16, 2009

On Any Given Day

Me and My friend (who shall -not shant- remain nameless, to protect the crazy)

Act 1
"LOOK IT'S A FOX SQUIRREL!" she screams as she jumps out of my moving car pointing and running in my neighbors yard. I look up at the tree she is pointing and see a black furry thing. "FOX SQUIRREL! FOX SQUIRREL!" she says.
"Um, I think that's a cat," I say.
"NO! What is it? Wait, it might not be a fox squirrel. Is it a poodle."
At this point we have determined it is in fact a cat. All of the sudden it takes a flying leap (like that of a flying squirrel) and jumps about 20 feet down and runs back in the woods. Buh bye fox squirrel.

Act 2
"So, I'm waiting to hear if I got that job at Trader Joes." she says to me.
"Oh, are they going to call you today?"
"Yes, but I have to tell them I can't work this weekend cause I have a wedding to go to."
"Yeah, whose wedding?"
"Well, I didn't know if I should say that or a Christening. I want to go to that party Friday night. Christenings are during the day, right?"
"I don't know."

Act 2.5
Need gas.
Drive up. Don't turn off car. Stay on cell phone. Decide to start a smoking habit now while pumping.
Big loudspeaker guy yells.
Person inside car can't figure out why the car is still running. "We're going to blow up!" she says as she opens the door. She was afraid to open the window for fear of a spark.
My ash is as long as the cigarette at this point. I just am to lazy to flick it.
Then the gasoline starts spilling out and I throw down a lit match.
Enter bare nipple guy.

Act 3
"Look, look, that guy is naked rubbing his nipples."
"What?" (we're at the gas station) "There's no naked guy."
"Yes there is! Look over there."
(P.S. we live in Pa, it's kinda cold here)
I look, there is in fact some guy sitting in the front seat of a car with no shirt on. I did not see him rubbing his nipples, but if she says so. Ok.
"Go slow on the way out, I want to take his picture."
"Of course you do."

Act 4- The Final Insult
"I need Chianti. It makes me laugh. I need some now."
We go in the liquor store and spend an inordinant amount of time deciphering which countries wine will give you the best buzz. She decides an Italian Chianti will be her best bet.
With bottle in hand heads the cash register.
"Will that be all Ma'am?" says the kid with the hole the size of the sausage in his ear. Whatever."It is $13.95."
"Aren't you going to card me?" she asks.
"No."
"What's your name young man?"
He hid his name tag. He didn't want her to tell all his bosses.
I laughed.
"It's funnier not to card people." said the not nice boy.
Thank God she had that Chianti for later.

Bringing it Home:
When all else fails. You know what needs to happen right?
Two words my friends:
DANCE OFF
or something along these lines. You grab your kids, your crazy friend and your IPod and you dance.
Playlist for said Dance Off: You gotta go a little old school on this. Not ropes and a body bag old school Sue. Just old school.
I Got A Man- Salt n Pepa
Check On It- Beyonce
Corona and Lime- Schwayze
I Got it From My Mama- Wil.i.am.
Me & U - Cassie
Bleeding Love- Leona Lewis
Officer- Slightly Stoopid
Shady's Back- Eminem
Smile- Lily Allen
then bring down the room a little-
So Lonely- The Police
Stuck in A Moment- U2
Suspicious Minds- Elvis
Throw a curve ball
Sex and Candy- Marcy's Playground
Witch in A Ditch- Erasure
Not An Addict- K's Choice
End up Fun
Son of A Preacher Man-
Then just show her how you take the kids to church
I Love You and Buddha Too- Mason Jennings.
Closing Time-Semisonic
Night baby. That's YOU.
And Chris, I think that was 24 hours. But maybe not...

Oh wait.. Coconut - Harry Niison is imperative. Just sayin.

First sighting


A little closer. Now, I'm sorry. That's a cat.


The elusive fox squirrel.

12 comments:

Mark said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jules said...

That's a GREAT playlist! And those stories are crackin' me up!!!

Kathy S. said...

"Fox Squirrel"

I love it!

Anonymous said...

You know you left out the part that the naked guy had a mattress in the back of his car. Perhaps that's why his shirt was off. I still don't understand why he was rubbing his nipples so seductively.
I'm just thankful you didn't pull out of the gas station with the gas still pumping like I did yesterday. I'm really happy about that.

Anonymous said...

One more thing. It could have been a fox squirrel. They're real! Go google them.

Sue Jacquette said...

taking care of the problem old school... a dance off. i hate dancing, you know. NOT!

Kathy S. said...

Okay, I stand corrected. Fox Squirrels are real. Sorry. I'll re-do my comment:

"Bare Nipple Guy"

I love it!

Simple Answer said...

So. Mighta had a little trouble following this post. But it had a playlist. Now I have something to do this evening!

Christy said...

Did you say dance off? Napoleon Dynamite...just saying...I love you--you're so funny! This was one of my favorite posts by Amy the Great (you can totally use that if you want.)

I think that thing is a fisher cat (???) But that's coming from the not-so-country-girl who now lives in the middle of nowhere!

Lula! said...

Ok...great playlist.

But y'all should TOTALLY have your own reality show. I'm talking ratings-winner here.

Karen said...

How is it that I have never popped over here before? You are Hillarious!!!!

Amy Q-tip said...

Holy cow that was funny! I see fox squirrels once in a while. They're lots of colors around here. Those stories were super funny. xoxo