I Shant Make My Cat Wear An Apron

There's nothing like a fake voice to make me laugh. I don't quite get why people do it, but it can sometimes be amusing. Or not.

A while back I knew this woman who had a totally fake voice. She actually talked in a whisper. It was so god awful annoying, you had to lean in to hear what the hell she was saying. It never seemed real at all, especially when she would whisper your name, "Hi Amy." Like a quiet little church mouse. Anyway, I guess she could have passed it off had my friend and I not heard her yell at her kid one day when she didn't know when we were coming in through the garage. It was like that exorcist girl, "JOHNNY (not his real name) get your ass down here now and pick up your sneakers!" Oh dear, the pussycat is more like a mountain lion. As we walked in she whispered, "Hello." Whatever. That ship has sailed.

I pretty much forgot about it until recently. I was having lunch with a friend and the wait person, an older woman seemed to be going back and forth between an English accent and not an English accent. Maybe it was all English, I don't know. I do know she quite fancied using the word, "Shant." She said it a lot. I shant do this." "You shant do that." "Shant, shant shant." My favorite was when she came to take our plates. She asked if she could clear them. We nodded yes. She looked at mine and said, "Oh I shant." Now, did she mean, A) She can't? -that rhymes with shant. B) She couldn't- cause maybe the other one was to heavy, I don't know or choice 3) She shouldn't- cause there was still food on it.

If anyone out there is British or knows anyone from the other side of the pond, could you please e mail them for me now and ask them what she meant? It's bothering me. I shant understand. I shant eat peas with a fork, only the tip of a very sharp knife. I shant lick my bowl like a dog. I shant be late to school. I shant pluck fur tufts out of my German Shepherd. Yes I shall. No I shant.