John and Kirsten are my friends.
They have two adorable children.
They bought a big beautiful house
It's right in the middle of a lovely town.
They can walk to everything, the park, restaurants, you name it.
There are fairs and concerts and festivals all the time.
There have been movies made there.
There are parades and friends and family close by.
There's one teensy tiny little problem...... It's haunted. Yup, that's what I said. Haunted. With "bad energy", in need of the ghost whisperer.
They bought the house almost exactly a year ago. They don't live there yet. They want to, they just can't.
It started with a bad painter who stripped lead paint and left it all over the place, the house was contaminated. They have paid everybody and their brother to try and clean out said contamination. Failures. One lame ass after the next. They have dealt with workers putting huge holes in the ceiling, ripping up their back yard, and a laundry list of other sue-able instances. At first it seemed to be bad luck or stupid contractors. After 11 1/2 months Kirsten started wondering if there wasn't something more to it. She asked John, "Do you think there might be a ghost? Do we need some sort of exorcism done here?" John's somewhat sarcastic reply, "Yeah, I see dumb people." So Kirsten shelved the whole "ghosty" idea until one day she was shopping and just happened to run into a shamanic healer. Okay, really, who just runs into a shamanic healer? I'm sorry, it's just not every day that happens.
So Kirsten hires her to come see what is going on in her home. The woman feels all sorts of bad presences all over the place. There is a female energy that is trapped there. A bad guy who burned important papers in the fire place, for real there was some Chinese doctor who had like thirty people living in the basement and she felt some sort of incestuous energy there. "Presence's" that can't move on. Uh oh, we're going to need more than one visit from the healer. Kirsten says to her, "I totally believe everything you are saying, the thing is, I am going to have to justify why I am spending hundreds of dollars for you to clear my house to my husband. Can you tell me what your credentials are?" The shamanic healer, whose name is Nancy, leaned in real close to Kirsten and said, "Yes, I'm a magical unicorn." Ok, now Nancy has won me over too.
So Nancy does her bit, she gives Kirsten "homework." Kirsten has to go back alone and do all sorts of little ceremonies and ask the energy type ghost things to please, with great love in her heart, LEAVE. Get out. Scat. Just go already. So she does, cause that's how she roll's.
She goes home and tells John. She says that Nancy is going to have to come back two more times. John says, "What sort of training does she have for this?" Kirsten replies, "Well, she's a magical unicorn." John nodded. "Okay, at least she's qualified."
We'll see how it goes.......Fo shizzle (that's just for you Kirsten)
Note to Kirsten: This is from the best of my memory, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. You know my memory's not what it used to be, what with all the vodka.
John, I think the ghosts want you..... just a guess.....